Clocks

There I was, just sitting in our car on the way back from a baptism, and we pulled up to our last stop light of the night. It felt like one of those long days…. and there was this guy… with a sign… that said he was out of work. He needed help. I see homeless people every day. I think I always feel bad for them… to some extent at least. I should probably feel more for them than I normally do. This guy felt different. I closed my eyes and prayed for him to find Him. I wanted to help. The light turned green and I hurried and handed him a Jamba Juice gift card (sorry Mom) and drove away feeling a little bit happy and a little bit empty. I want to do more. I guess the reason I’m bringing this up is because it hit me really hard. It opened my eyes… again. I think I’ve become somewhat numb to everyone not wanting to talk to me because of my tag and tie. I know I carry the message that will help them but at the same time I always feel that I have to break down a “preconceived notion barrier” before I can get through to anyone. That’s not really the point I want to make I’m just getting off topic as usual. The point is…actually I don’t really know my point. I think I just liked that I really felt love and had my heart touched by a stranger. I want that for everyone. I don’t like it when I contact someone just to be obedient or just for the sake of “talking with everyone.” Sometimes that’s just a bad experience for everyone in that situation. It all needs and should come from true love for my brothers and sisters who don’t know the way back to their loving Father in Heaven. It’s that simple. And I am missing it! I’m missing the big picture… everyday. I want to have this realization stick but its tough. It’s real rough. I think I just need to be nice…r. nicer? And more loving to people. Not just… obedient? I think Mark Twain said something like, “Love is a language that the deaf can hear and the blind can read.” I want to have the love that people can feel. I’ve met some people like that. You just know they have love in them for you. It’s the coolest thing. I want that pretty bad. I am grateful that I felt something for someone that I don’t even know, on the side of the road. I know it was God’s love for him. I know that I can have that same love for everyone if I am worthy to receive it through the spirit… and if I ask for it! I commit to all of you that I will live worthy of that love. I need all the help I can get.

I think you know about our investigator we met up in Bellingham. Her family has been the hold up. She didn’t feel supported and didn’t want to leave everything she’s ever known for something she’s only learned about for a couple of weeks. Understandable. We had a lesson with her this week and I asked her a couple questions to see where she was. I asked if she has received an answer from the spirit that this is the restored church of the very Son of God, Jesus Christ. She said yes. (That was easier than I thought) I asked what she was going to do with that answer. She said be baptized. August 11th.

There’s a couple of other cool things that happened this week. President was creating a transfer scenario online and kept counseling with us about who should go where and all that goes with that and finally we just asked if we could make a transfer scenario ourselves and see what he thought of it. So we did. It was cool to be able to pray and think about every single missionary and where they should go, who their companions should be, who they can handle, what leadership position they’re capable of handling. All the important things. And not important things. There’s a lot more that goes into it than I thought. So many moving pieces of that puzzle. You have to plan ahead for future transfers to set certain missionaries up for future leadership and things like that. It’s like chess. Except it’s people’s lives we’re playing with. It took a really long time. We have 35 new missionaries coming in this transfer. Mission record. The logistics of everything is insane. It’s like a college class or something. We’re having a good time figuring it all out. My favorite part of the transfer process was when we all got on our knees in the office and President Bonoham offered a prayer for a confirmation and direction of the transfers. It was the most powerful prayer I’ve ever been able to be a part of. It felt like President was talking straight to God. Face to face. I don’t know how to explain it. It was so… real, sincere, raw and personal. Man. I don’t know if I’ll ever be a part of something so beautiful again… I’m just grateful I had the chance to be there. I’ve learned a lot. About everything. I can’t wait to see what’s next.

I had a phrase come into my mind yesterday, “we live in a shade of grey.” I don’t know what I think about it yet but I think it has some meaning. We all come to this life with strengths and weaknesses. Some come with the tendency to be more righteous and loving, like my beautiful mother! She was just born with all of the Christ like attributes… (Trent is being way too generous here. Absence makes the heart grow fonder...HaHa) but for the rest of us we have it a little differently. Some come with tendencies to have tempers and are easily irritated. Some can’t communicate with people and some are eloquent and love being around everyone. When we judge others, we don’t define them, we define ourselves. I heard that somewhere. I really like that this week. I was born and have made choices that have given me a lot of weaknesses. I don’t know why that’s such a bad thing! Well the bad choices part is a bad thing but the whole weakness thing is part of the plan… We all have them. I know that some people have struggles that I don’t have at all. We all have our “handicaps.” And I’m learning that we aren’t judged on our destination. We all start with different aspects on different levels. If I get knocked down 100 times in my life and get back up 101 times… then I should feel good about it. I don’t need to be 100 steps ahead of everyone else. The trouble with an opportunity is that it’s usually disguised as hard work. It’s hard work to try. With it comes failure. With it also comes joy and progression. I never want to stop trying. No matter how tired I am.

Last night we had all of the departing missionaries stay at our place. All my good friends: Elders Fortuna, Brockbank, Behrmann, Perkinson, Gardiner, Day… and a lot of other buddies of mine. It was heart breaking. We went over to the mission home after we picked everyone up across the mission and had our last dinner together with President and Sister Bonham. Then they all bore their testimonies of their missions and this gospel. It was pretty amazing. My heart was slightly ripped out. We dropped everyone off at our apartment at around 10:30 then we had to go back to the office to do the numbers for the mission and other meeting outlines and so we got back pretty late. It’s their last night so they were all still up when we got home, so we were up till a pretty good hour in the night just talking. 10 missionaries, not including us, were all just talking about our missions. It was cool. This morning we dropped them off at the airport and that was even harder. I drove back by myself. I’m going to miss them a lot. I’ve learned a lot from those guys. The drive was beautiful. Seattle is so appealing. I just wanted to drive off the exit and walk around down town Seattle by myself. That’s a dream….a dream that will have to wait for a year or so.

The night is dark,

Elder Trent Jay Merrill