Where Is My Mind

The Devil on my shoulder seems to change from day to day... week to week. It's coming with all sorts of confusion. Not overwhelming or debilitating... just thought provoking and soul searching. While the angels are coming down with more blessings than I ever deserve. Two new investigators this week. I don't know what we're doing that's right but doors are opening and even if they aren't we're climbing through the proverbial windows to try and catch some success... and we're catching a lot. Fingers pointed to the sky. It's all coming from above... we're just learning how to be His tools. All looking up.

I did also cut off some chicken heads... and I don't say that in a figurative sense. I'll send you some pictures. Pretty gnarly. After I plucked the chicken that I saw running around a few minutes before...I felt like I arrived to the thing we call manhood. I also can't stop washing my hands every time I think about the "manly" experience either. So it's a bitter sweet memory now.

Cheers,

Elder Merrill

Hey that's me holding a dead chicken

Hey that's me holding another dead chicken

Hey Mom! Is that the carnation farm you took me to as a kid?

Hey there's a pretty view

Through The Working Class

My hands are slightly cold today but they're steady. Ready.

Trying to describe this week would be like trying to describe why new carpet is my favorite smell. It's just something that words don't know how to do. Especially when they're under my hands. A lot of things are happening. New things. Old things. All things. I don't even have anything really specific to say. I feel like I failed a lot this week and it feels like one of the most successful line of days I've lived here in Big Rock. I'm all over the place right now ha let me see if I can narrow it down a bit.

We have new potential investigator(s). Which is somewhat of a miracle I would say. Tracting, Member Work, Referrals, Service, they're all lining up for us. A lot of service. We're trying to develop a family mission plan and help the ward set goals for their homes of how to be more missionary minded. It has a lot of potential. I'm excited... to say the least. We went to the Relief Society President's house the other night and she is exactly what we need. She gave us a long list of people to help and a lot of people to potentially teach. We're hoping to help other members in the ward get excited about missionary work like that. If there's one thing I want to leave this ward with it's the motivation and hope for a better missionary area. It can happen. The numbers aren't anything. At the end of the day the question of loyalty and success still resides in the question from my Savior, "Do you love me?" And when I see that I've given it my all with all the failures and inadequacies in mind, I can still answer honestly and unashamed that I do. That's the kind of peace that only comes from this Gospel.

Well I'm happy, struggling and striving. What more could I ask for,

Elder Trent Jay Merrill

Old Trucks and Fire Hydrants

This is only the beginning. Had a good week. Hard week. Tiring week. Beautiful week.

I keep having these moments of realization. I look at things my way, and then in a second everything changes, and I do too. I've had a lot of that these past couple of days. Just the other night I was sitting in the car after we saw everyone we could think of in the area and we had an hour before we could go in. I thought, "Dang, now we need to kill an hour of time." Then after I thought that... I was like, "Hmm.. I probably shouldn't ever be trying to just waste away time... what the heck am I doing..." So I prayed for my perspective to change. I prayed that I can see things the way the my Heavenly Father wants me to see them. Everything changed. I wanted to run house to house and tell everyone that the church has been restored! ha but my companion wasn't down with that so we just walked like the gentlemen that we claim to be. I'm grateful for prayer. I know that they're heard and felt by a loving Heavenly Father.

We've been busy. Which hasn't really ever happened here. The members are supporting us and doors are opening. Sometimes without us asking now, people will give us the names and addresses of friends that we can visit. None of them have worked out so far but... they soon will. Or something will at least. I think and hope that they are starting to trust us more. The missionaries before me were amazing. So I'm lucky that I didn't come into a non-trusting ward. I'm just trying to figure out the difference between this area and "successful" areas. What are the variables? How can I help build this claimed "unsuccessful" area? I don't have very many answers. Though my questions aren't in short supply. I'm grateful for those too.

"One more door, Elder, you can do it, my friend." And so we did. And so came the miracle. Amber Anonymity is the name and description. I'll let you know more once I know more. Sorry for the anti-climatic build. She didn't show up to our set up appointment yesterday so it's still in some form of progress paralysis.

All else is constant. The schedule is set. The sweat and rain are persistent and my thumb keeps twitching. Yep, I'm starting to feel a little more sane. A little more spiritual. A little less anxious. I am blessed with subtle miracles every day. I'm grateful that I can feel and see the little things.

And it's all about the little things,

Elder Trent Jay Merrill

Bright Side of the Hill

Again I find myself torn between the past and the present. It hurt to leave Penn Cove. Why didn't anyone tell me transfers blow? Ha it's alright. Life is different. Mission life. It's a different world when you come into a new area and have to take lead on everything from day one. I'm a district leader now. This is a really big growing opportunity for me. My District is cool. My first District Meeting went pretty well.

So this area (Duvall), hasn't had a single investigator for over six months. It's alright though we'll turn it around. All I need is your prayers and a little help from the angels around me. I'm coming closer to feeling the definition of stress and inadequacy. I'm also coming closer to the understanding of submission. My white flag has been raised. "God grant me the serenity," isn't a too distant phrase from my heart. It's beautiful how in the lowest times, when I have no one, or nothing to work with, Heavenly Father allows me to feel more love than I have ever felt before. My testimony has never been stronger, my body has never been weaker, and my focus has never been clearer. I am stripped of my home, my friends, my comfort zone, my support and what do I have left? Everything. I have everything. I have the knowledge that I am a child of my dear Heavenly Father. Who hasn't forgotten me in this trial. Who is mindful of my pain and my loneliness. I am never alone. I love my Savior. I feel His love for my struggling companion. I feel His love for this area. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, and remember how blessed we are to know that we are loved.

Elder Trent Jay Merrill
P.O. Box 1651
Duvall, WA 98019

The Ink of Memory

I'm slightly distracted right now. You see, I am being transferred. First for everything. It's probably something I will have to get used to because of the whole missionary thing. I actually knew I was going to be transferred since Thursday night so I told everyone in the ward I was leaving. Because I wanted some sympathy good byes. Those make everyone feel good. And horrible.... Kind of bitter sweet is probably how I would say it.

Update:

Our investigator can't be baptized for at least six months. . He wants to keep meeting with us (not me I guess actually because I won't be here) and come to church until his eligibility for baptism is back on track. So that's what's going on there.

As for the plan. The plan is to work with the members. They are the keys to finding and we need some unlocking. So... that's what we started doing a lot more. We met with Bishop and he told us not to tract in this area. If we're not with non-members then be with his members and teach them how to be missionaries. Pretty cool. I'm a little bummed I am leaving when it's all about to come together. All part of the adventure I suppose.

Well I don't know what else there is to report. I don't know where I'm going yet. I'll find out once I get to the mission office tomorrow.I need to start taking deeper breaths. Penn Cove is coming into my rear view mirrors. The only place I've known on a mission. Kind of weird. You know that feeling when you're alone and you feel mysterious and kind of want to draw for some reason? Probably not.. but that's exactly how I feel right now. If potential was an emotion I would be feeling it. But it's not... so I don't know how to describe it.

Letter from the Future

Ah man it was a good week. Just a funny week I guess. I don't know if that much actually happened. Well actually there was some big stuff. For the Hospital thang... it's not exactly what we wanted. But we are on the list to be contacted at the hospital if anyone asks for us. The radio station avenue... still a big possibility. We can interview someone or share inspirational scripture or just rap on the air.. I don't know. We can do anything. So I welcome any of your ideas on what we can do with this harnessed potential. Patrick met with President Wilson and it all went well. He can be baptized now. I'll keep you updated on that. We're working closely with our ward and are receiving a lot of referrals lately for people we can visit. I feel so blessed to know these people. They are everything to me.

The other day we were on our way to visit someone in an old apartment complex and this rocker guy walks by us and says, "Jesus, man!" And we were like,"Yeah!" And he just kept on walking by. Then about two minutes later he finds us knocking on someones door and tells us to follow him. So we did. And he took us into his apartment and starts to shred on the guitar ha. After a couple minutes of that he was like, "Hey how old are you guys?" We told him how old we were and he was like, "Ah no way man you're way older than me.. I'm from the future. Good to meet you guys." Then we talked about Jimi Hendrix and he said we were his best friends. On our way out he told us about his time with Moses back in the day and that we are sent from "The One." So that was probably... one of my favorite experiences. Drugs man. Drugs. Don't do drugs.

Another beauty: We've been working with a family in our ward to help them get to the temple. It has been a really emotional journey for them, especially for the husband to receive the Priesthood. I didn't know how much progress they were making on it lately and yesterday after Sacrament Meeting the husband came up to me and asked if I would ordain him into the office of Elder! I had this electricity flow through my veins when he asked me that. I don't know. I love the blessings that come from following this gospel. He was so happy. Just glowing. So I ordained him with my shaky hands under the Stake President and Bishop's steady grip... I felt inadequate. That's not unusual. But The Spirit helped me out like always. Gave me words. Gave me strength. If there's one thing I would take away from this mission (which I couldn't because there's too much to take away) it would be to always have the spirit with me. I just need it. I'm pretty messed up with out it. It's a beautiful gift.

The Good, The Bad, and The Neatly Combed Hair

We had Zone Conference this week and President Wilson focused almost exclusively on "finding." He told us to start thinking differently about the concept. When Elder Gay came and spoke to our mission he told us the same thing. We need to be little more creative and a little more out of the box. Knocking doors isn't put aside entirely... but we need to find more people. We need to reach out to everyone in our area. That's what we've been focusing on this week.

I've heard it been said the originality is just knowing how to hide your sources. Well I think that's pretty true...sometimes. At least it is with what's been going on with us. We've had some hard times. Almost every single one of our investigators has dropped. One moved away. Another ran away. One all of the sudden isn't interested at all and won't let us come over. We're back to ground zero here. It's not the worst place to be... but it's going to take a lot more work to get things going again. I told you about our idea to work as clergy in the hospital.. we have an appointment with the leader of the ministerial staff this week and hopefully will be able to get that going. We're also trying to put an ad in the newspaper for a scripture study that we would hold in the community. Where we can compare and contrast the Holy Bible with the Book of Mormon and just have discussions with believers of any faith. (I would love any ideas from you guys on how we can do it better or what we should do.) We are starting to work with a local radio station to have some time to advertise our services and our religion. We can play a song too so... I feel bad for everyone who will have to listen to me sing... maybe another miracle will come our way and I will sound a little bit like Brandon Flowers. A man can dream.

I also was very nervous this week. Especially when we had our lesson with a previous investigator. I was worried that I'd blow it. We were just casually talking at the beginning and I noticed that my heart was pounding a little too hard. My hands were a little bit sweaty. My confidence was a little bit... absent. I silently prayed for help. I prayed for the spirit and I surrendered my feelings of inadequacy to my Father in Heaven. He took it. He took everything that was weighing me down and gave me the words to speak. The lesson took everything from me. I felt exhausted afterwards because.... well I don't really know why. I just put everything into it. I love moments like that. I really love seeing how "man" is worthless.... without God. Especially me. I would have ruined their potential to receive the perfect message if I took it on myself. I hope they felt what I felt in that lesson. I think they did... and that makes me feel it even more.

I don't know why I tell you my challenges in these letters... I guess it is somewhat cathartic for me. I always love the advice you give back to me too. This week it was doubt. Doubt in myself. I really had the worst thoughts about myself. They keep coming full speed and at the worst times. I don't want to let these paralyze me like they have before. I need to put my Faith in God more than ever right now. I can't trust in myself for one minute or I'll doubt every single decision I make. I want to take a step back again and get outside of my head. I also want to stop asking the question, "Is this against the rules?" to dictate my choices. I want to ask something more like, "Would this please my Savior?" Maybe something like that would help. I just need to remember it more.

You are dearly loved,

Elder Trent Jay Merrill