J.J.'s party

My family,

I especially missed you this week. No particular reason… I just did. It was an amazing week at the same time. It seems when the most intense emotions arise, no matter its specificity, the opposite is there along with it. I looked back on my journal and saw the drastic feelings from day to day and hour to hour. It was almost ridiculous. I noted that whenever I found myself in a low valley of depression there must be, by definition, a mountain nearby… to take me up to that spiritual high that I know is close by. The neutrality of the world doesn't exist here anymore.

That's me cutting some wood for an investigator

So last week I told you that I was going bowling with J.J. for her daughter’s birthday. I felt like a normal human being again. Not so much as a title… but a friend who cares for her and her family. J.J. invited a couple other families to come and I talked with them and they were so interested in the idea of this mission I’m on. They are really intrigued and actually came to a ward party we had on Friday because of it. So… we are being very blessed.

All of us at the party with J.J.

An hour before Carl’s baptism, his wife called us and told us how she forgot about Carl’s infection that can’t get wet. So we drained the font and called everyone to make sure they didn’t show up. We drove home defeated with my blue tie soaking up the tears. It’s still going to happen.

I gave a talk in church yesterday. I talked about, “If Love Were Our Only Motive.” I based it off of a talk by Russell T. Osguthorp. I doubt that’s really how you spell his name but you get the idea. I think it went well. I also think it was horrible... so I’m not sure how I actually feel about it.

My name on the program so you don't think I'm a liar

I had a philosophical battle in my head last night. It wasn’t very productive. I just realized that it would take way too long to type it and I’m feeling too lazy to erase this paragraph that I already typed so I’ll just be aloof and stop talking. I love you,

Elder Trent Jay Merrill

That's me thuggin' it with my sweet old, Elder Duncan

P.S:

Just the other day we were helping someone move and there was this old safe that i was holding and the lady opened it because she forgot what was in there and it was just death. She put a dead hampster in there about a year ago to get rid of it later i guess. I had to take a lap around the house because it just killed me. haha oh man i've never smelled anything so bad in my entire life.

Once again

I can't really think of anything that happened this week. I think a lot happened but I am just empty. Carl didn't get baptized on Saturday, but not because he bailed, it was just too busy at the church so it's rescheduled for this upcoming Saturday. We went to our lesson with Marvin yesterday and he wasn't there and his wife said he didn't want to read the Book of Mormon. Which is really too bad because it's what he needs. Ah, I love that book.

I kind of had a... moment. I don't know what to call it actually. We were at an investigator's watching a conference talk around her kitchen counter. In the other room was her brother cussing at the TV and chilling with his friends. I remember looking at her watching this video and seeing the battle that she fights. It was almost a literal depiction of the "world" in her brothers room and the happiness and the hope in the room we were in. For some reason I was just stunned. It's not just the rap music but just the two drastic lifestyles that were in the same house and how she battles the two every day. The subtleties of Satan are a little clearer to me now. The line is drawn and I was witnessing both realities simultaneously. She could walk five steps into her brothers room and into the arms of digression and complacency . Or she could stay in the battle. Strive and struggle.. and walk into the arms of her Savior and finally be at peace. I don't know. It was definitely a smack in the face. I don't know why, but consider my face smacked.

Today we are going to our investigator's daughter's birthday party. I don't remember if I told you guys about her. Her husband was a member as a kid but hasn't gone since he was 14 and she has never been. He's away on deployment. Oh, and did I tell you that my area is on a military base so I mostly just work with military? I don't know if I ever told you that. Anyways, he's gone and she is wanting to learn about the church. Her kids love us so she moved the party from Saturday to our P-day so that we could come. I'm stoked.

Elder Gay, (he spoke in conference) came to our mission and we talked and listened to him for like 9 hours! ah it was so incredible. I was so pumped. I'll have to tell you more about it when i have time. I can't believe i forgot that. I'm sorry.

McKenna i know a little girl named mckenna in the ward who looks like you did as a kid and i just hang with her all the time. we're best buds. just because she has your name and i miss you like crazy.

Well I should have my first baptism this next Saturday.

I'm going to wear a blue tie.


I love you, dear family. God be with you till we email again.


Elder Trent Jay Merrill

Constancy in change

Well it seems the only constant out here is change. My whole district changed. I love it though. We are already slappin butts and hugging anytime we see each other so you know we have something special. Today (preparation day) we just went bowling and played frisbee golf all day.

Dusty the old guy sitting down is an investigator in the other ward
that i covered for a bit. so i won't see him anymore,

Elder Stout and Pelfreyman,. they're so cool and the new elders in the district

Elder and Sister Burningham 

(Sister Burningham called you a while ago remember mom) 

This week seemed especially long for some reason. Conference was amazing. Who knew that if you actually watched and listen to the Prophet of the Lord you would receive revelation? Just last night we were driving home from Coupeville and My companion asked if we should see anyone else before we went home. Normally I just say, "Nope, I can't think of anyone." And we go home. Before I was able to say my usual answer the name Marvin came into my head. Marvin is a quiet black man who we tracted into one day while he was outside his trailer home. He didn't seem interested at all a month ago and we haven't seen him since then. So I shook off the thought and we started driving. Then the thought came back into my head and I would usually just ignore it because I have random thoughts all the time. Then I thought back to conference, about all of the messages on following the promptings of the spirit and not ignoring them. So I just blurted out, "Marvin! We need to see Marvin." My companion looked at me and said, "Ok well you're going to do the talking because I don't know why we're going there." I was like, "OK," and we went towards Marvin's place. We knocked and Marvin answered and invited us in. First miracle. We started talking with him and found out it was his birthday. Second miracle. We ended up talking for about an hour and gave him the first lesson and now we have another appointment with him next week and he's our new investigator. Miracle number three.

I was writing one night and I had this pestering thought that I was becoming unoriginal. Or at least I'm predictable. I'm changing and becoming who I am supposed to be. For some reason that bothered me. I was longing for some individuality. I didn't like the idea of becoming who I was expected to be. Then I took another step back and thought about how I only had those kinds of thoughts when I wasn't relying on Christ. Who really cares what my outward appearance is on a the trivial level? I am not changing just on the outside where it may seem expected. Most could have guessed that I would be maturing while on a mission. But... what isn't as easily perceived is the internal change that I can't even describe. Words aren't sufficient for the feelings that I experience. Maybe that is also expected. But I don't care. That's not as important as I thought it was. I could jump off of a roof and no one would have expected that, but does that really make me individual? Yeah kind of actually... so I don't know.

Me

Also I saw a mail truck the other day and I felt just as excited as I did seeing an ice cream truck when I was a kid. I wonder what it will be in twenty years from now that gets me those kinds of feelings.

I think my favorite talk at General Conference was Bowen. Where he talked about the plan of salvation and coping with loss. I don't know why. It was so real. So powerful. So much hope. They talked about missionary work a ton. I felt kind of... i don't know. It was just like hey i'm really on a mission. This is a big deal. General Authorities are talking about me right now to the world.

I go to the doctor tomorrow for my shoulder so i'll tell you about it next p-day. Pray for me.


Stay Christian,

Elder Trent Jay Merrill

Inhale, exhale

I don't know if anything has really changed here since the last time I wrote you. At least on the surface level. We are still working with several investigators that you know about. I am still changing and learning every day.

Tomorrow is the first transfer. I don't believe that it's really here. Somebody is tricking me. I'm not being transferred so I'll be here another six weeks in the good ole Oak Harbor area. Elder Davis, my best buddy out here, is getting transferred though so that's not my favorite part of the day. I think I will still have my same companion. But I don't know for sure.

There is a less active man in our ward who we meet with every so often. His wife has been really sick for the past two years or so and passed away on Thursday. We went over to do service at his house and he told us the news. I can't imagine how he feels. He has two girls and travels back and forth from Utah to Washington because of his job. He asked if we could be Pall Bearers at the funeral so that's what I'll be doing tomorrow at 11:00 am. I hope I don't cry.

I was having a really rough morning on Thursday and decided to look at all of my pictures of you guys. I was sad at first and then I saw a picture of Kenna and heard her laugh when she's like embarrassed and stuff and is falling over cause she's laughing so hard. That made me smile. Then I saw a picture of Lindz and heard her laugh too and pictured us being down stairs at 3:00 in the morning laughing our heads off and Mom coming down to glare at us and that made me laugh a little bit. Then saw a picture of the whole family and imagined all of your individual laughs and especially Dad's little snicker where he covers his mouth and goes hehehe.. And Mom's laugh where she starts crying because she can't help how hard she's laughing. By the end of picturing all of that I was laughing out loud and felt so much better. I just had to tell you about it.

I am being blessed beyond what I ever thought was possible. The Lord answers my prayers in the most amazing ways. I have never had this type of trust before. Where I can truly rely on God and know that He is there to help me because I am here only to help Him. How can I doubt that he will make my pathway straight and clear the way for me to bring my brothers and sisters back to Him. He is mindful of every single person that I see on the street. There is a man sitting next to me in the library right now. We've never talked. I don't know a single thing about him. All I know is that he is loved more powerfully than I can even have the capacity to love. By that same God who loves me. How can I not love this man next to me too?

An email back and forth on his p-day:

aww... momma you are the best!! I tried to think of what I could give you to pay you back for all that you do for me... i thought about building you a kingdom and letting you rule the land. but i don't know if you would like that. so i thought buying a library and letting you have it because you love reading. maybe you would like that. but i think you find the most happiness in your family's happiness. so i'm going to be happy. for you momma. I'm going to be the best missionary in the world just so that you can see how good of a mother you are. I'm serious.


Elder Merrill

Mmm...

I don't know where to begin. This week has taken the norm and structure of what I know and turned it ever so slightly. Just enough to where it stings inside. The Elders in the First Ward were sent home. I feel so bad for them. I love those guys. When one of the Elders left last Monday, he came over and gave me all of his stuff. So now I have like 80 ties and his old heelies and work out bands and stuff ha.

So now My companion and I are taking over their ward for the rest of the transfer. It's a lot more work. We cover basically the whole northern part of Whidbey Island and I feel very small. My Companion is stressed out but I don't know how I feel. I feel good. I feel... unprepared.

I want to tell you something. Something amazing.

We went out tracting on a thick, foggy night. We got off the bus in Coupeville and watched it disappear in a matter of seconds. We started walking down a street and couldn't see a foot in front of us. I loved it. We knocked on the first door and this old man opened and said, " come on in." Next thing we knew we were on his couch. He was watching an old SciFi show that my comp couldn't stop watching ha. So I just talked with him for a while. We ended up talking about his religion, Catholicism. We shared with him our message and he didn't hate it. Which is rare. We gave him the Book of Mormon and asked him to read it and we are meeting with him again tonight. Thanks for listening.

One more story. A couple nights ago my companion and I got in an argument. In the middle of the argument the door bell rang and it was a member from first ward who was picking us up for our lesson that we had with his non-member brother. We got in the car and put on a happy face the best we could. We started talking with his brother, and he just asked us a bunch of questions. Questions that I have answered easily before. Questions that required me to speak from the heart. When I started to answer him I just choked on my words. I was sweating and fumbling over everything I said. I couldn't do it. I was a mess. I hated myself. Then half way through I just smiled. I thought to myself, "this is who I am without the spirit." I said a prayer in my heart that I could be forgiven of my pride and anger that I gave into. I prayed for the spirit to be with me, my companion and also with the members brother and his family. The rest of the lesson was amazing. I related to him and was able to understand his perspective. He wants to meet with us again.

I'm still stuck between the longing of yesterday and the hope of tomorrow. I'm getting closer to the moment every day. I need to be... here. Right here. Right now. It's the only place that I can change.. and I need to change. I need to let go of something... maybe everything... but definitely something. Maybe I just need to let go of that thought ha. Everything gained and nothing lost if it's surrendered to the Lord.

Love your neighbor and mother nature,

Elder Trent Jay Merrill.


P.S.
Romans 8: 38-39:

38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,


39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Sep 17th, 2012

So I got a letter from Thomas (his friend on a mission in Mexico) that he sent about two months ago. I just wanted to steal a line he wrote me, it's so true. "The hours are fast, the days are slow, the weeks fly past and the months just go." He's a clever little guy. I've been out a month now (almost) and it happened so fast. I've had a couple times when I look at this moment, the present moment, from hindsight. I don't know how to explain it but I almost miss this moment. I think it's because there is so much potential to be discovered that if I blink one too many times during a day I could miss something that could have changed everything.


Time is nothing if not a double edged sword. It's killing me to have this "time" of two years between us. Though it's also not enough time to accomplish all that is possible here. I already miss the people that I haven't had to say good bye too.


Mr. Smith found something that I like to call happiness. His life is rough, he sits in his big chair all day and considers it a successful triumph if he takes his pills on time. When I first met him, his only response was, "OK," to all of our questions. That actually hasn't changed much but now he has something in his eyes. He smiles and laughs and I asked him to be baptized on October 13th. He said yes!


Brandi is starting to find that same gift. She looks different. She already was inherently a kinder person than I could ever be but now she is finding more than she asked for. We're reading the Book of Mormon with her now and she says she finally understands things now. So that's always good to hear.


It was weird. So for the past couple weeks I've been doing alright. I've been keeping it together and just losing myself in the work. When I first got here, and the past years in this area of Penn Cove, the work was dead. Nothing was moving. The timing is aligning pretty well with me being here because now we're leading the zone. We're being blessed more than we could ever deserve.


So tonight I have a lesson with a new investigator that we tracted into and then we are having family home evening at the Somes (members. they're the best) with Brandi. We're watching the Joseph Smith movie. I'm so excited because she has been curious about the beginning of our church. It's perfect.


I love reading Jesus The Christ so much. I'm also reading Mere Christianity whenever I can find time like during lunch and stuff. I'm reading through the Book of Mormon and am projected to finish by Christmas. lots of reading and I still feel like I want more time! ha.


So... guess what?


The church is true


love you so much..


Elder Trent Jay Merrill

It's a small world

My family. My sweet old family. Sometimes I have the weirdest realizations that we will all see each other again. Then I don't believe those thoughts and time starts look a little longer than it used to. So... I still miss you guys. I still love you more than I thought I was capable of. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for you.

Well I'll hit a couple of highlights that happened this week. I went on exchanges with the Zone Leaders this week and it was probably my best day out here so far. We switched on Wednesday night and I stayed over at their place. We didn't necessarily work any harder than I do now, because we're always working here. It just seemed more satisfying.. We taught this guy named Keith who just got out of jail and was incredibly poetic. I was trying not to smile because he just had the coolest things to say. I related to him pretty well and hopefully was able to share some experiences that could benefit him and his life. He is searching for the truth and I hope he realizes that he can find it in our message. Other than that day, my schedules been the same. We have been meeting with Brother Smith and Brandi a lot. We have found a lot of potential investigators that seem really promising so I'm stoked for all of it to come together.

So I guess I'll jump right in to the soul searching stuff because it's been on my mind a lot. I am starting, but not yet fully grasping, the concept of complete sacrifice. Every once in a while I find myself being selfish, only with little things. I need to give all of myself. I need to completely lose myself so that, paradoxically, I can find myself. I noticed that when I start looking at myself and trying to improve myself, I get depressed and overwhelmed. When I forget myself and focus on helping my investigators or members in the ward, I am happy. They are happy. What more could I do? Being out here on a mission I get to feel everything. The pain, the happiness, the love and the disappointment. I am having the full spectrum of the human experience and I've only just started this little journey. This experience could either make or break me. It's up to me... i'm choosing the former. Turns out the latter has to come before I can get there though. I just remembered a quote from C.S. Lewis... I think.

"The cross comes before the crown."

Chills. That's what it's all about. It's all about the sacrifice of our Savior. It's all about us sacrificing our human nature to follow our true destiny. I sometimes get caught up in the little things. I sometimes forget the big picture of this puzzle i'm piecing together and get caught up somewhere in the chaos. I'm getting better though. It's only an internal battle, on the surface I am always doing what I need to be doing. I just want my motives, perspectives and actions all to be more aligned. I'll get there.

Dad:
There is a stop smoking program that was developed by a David M Bresnahan who was a missionary in Ireland in 83 where he developed the program as an Elder. Do you know him? Was Tipton your president?

(The answer to that question is yes, Dave Bresnahan was his companion and Pres. Tipton was Dale's mission president. It's a small world!)