Through All Eternity: March 10, 2014

This week was a wonderful surprise of purpose and insight. I loved almost every minute of it. Almost. I guess to start, I just want the people that I love to know that I love them too. Alright… I got it off my chest. Now onto the things that you can see, touch, hear, smell and hopefully taste.

I don’t go in order, for in my head, there is no such thing. We’ll begin where my mind takes us:

Once upon a time we were out knocking doors in the cold, beautiful rain. We walked passed a certain house with several cars in the front that had bumper stickers saying things like, “atheists are above belief” or “I’m Atheist and I’m OK” and “I don’t need religion, just truth,” etc..

I kind of got this warm fuzzy feeling inside as I read those extremely unbiased,  and obviously understanding  claims and started walking towards the door acting all giddy and what not. The man of the house opened the door suddenly and immediately stepped outside as if he had been expecting us for a while. To start the conversation with a little light humor and showing my skillful observation skills I said something like, “I’m going to guess that you don’t believe in God?”

“Yes, I’m atheist.”

“No kidding, did you grow up atheist?”

“No I grew up kind of Baptist.”

“That seems to happen sometimes. What has being an atheist done for you?”

“What does being Mormon do for you?”

That made me think quite a bit. I had an amazing feeling of gratitude and appreciation for all the things this church has done for me. Not just the church as an organization, necessarily, but the church as a foundational truth that gives peace and understanding to my often confused mind. I explained some of those things but, in the end, as we all could have guess, he left not feeling too persuaded to talk to God or to find objective truth. I don’t like when my initial negative judgments are right. They often affect the outcome, but you already knew that.

One night, after a wonderful miracle (which I’ll tell you about later… if you behave), we were traveling back to our car and saw a man walking towards us from the distance. I loudly said, “Hello!” And immediately the guy threw up his arms and ducked as if I had a gun pointed at him. When he saw us a little more clearly through the dark night and constant rain drops he said, “Hey it’s the Mormons! Praise Jesus. Praise Jesus.” We then got to hear a beautiful (and slightly hammered) man’s story about being baptized 3 times in our church but never confirmed. We walked with him and asked him to tell us his story, to which he responded, “My story! You guys want to heart MY story!? Wow. My story. Ok. Ok. My story… Well it all started when I was 11…” Five minutes later he lost his train of though and went into the liquor store to buy some beer for his six mile journey home. I will miss that man I’ve come to love in five minutes. I hope he’s still alive/that we’ll get to see him again. I do believe in miracles.

Rewind a couple of hours from that experience and you’ll find us sitting in our car praying to find a family that is looking for a change or guidance in their lives. We got out of the car, filled with food and faith, and started to knock the doors around us. The first guy comes to the door with no shirt on and says to go away. Second guy comes to the door without a shirt on and says go away…. hmm…. Third guy opens the door, with a shirt on, and lets us in his home. Kids were running around and a woman in the kitchen had a puzzled face after seeing us in her home. We sat down and talked with them about the things that matter most. They were quite interested. The dad said he’s looking for change and improvement. He wants to get into a church with his family and has known some Mormons in the past and was always curious about what they believed. So, what’s the moral of the story? Well, a couple of things, but one thing for sure: God tends to answers our prayers. It’s a good habit He’s gotten into since the time of Adam. Anyways, we’ve already met with them again and taught the book of Mormon, reviewed the restoration that we taught the first time and talked about baptism. They’re way into that kind of thing so… good news for them, and God.

Record: Paradigm shift #723:

 I’ve had so many changes of perspective and insight on my mission. It just goes to show how much I don’t know and how much I need to learn. I love it. Anyways, Friday, we had mission leader council as usual and afterwards we had a special guest from Franklin Covey who just so happens to be Sister Bonham’s brother. The whole time he was instructing us I was just thinking about Dad. I wanted to be with him and pick his brain more than I ever. And, besides that, I was able to learn a lot of things that I can do to help me personally. He helped us see what our motives and goals are. I learned and felt inspired to write in all different ways to different questions, “serve and help my companions, other missionaries, my family, my friends, investigators, and members… everyone.” That’s what hit me the hardest.  He asked us questions like, “What do you want look back on your mission and know that you did well?” “What would you want your companions to say about you, or investigators, or God.” He had us write down our responses. I want to help them feel understand and loved and that they have learned something or reached more of their potential than they did before they were with me. I always felt that before too but this time I had put it down on paper and it made a difference. It’s so simple and it’s said all the time. I even say it all the time: It’s all about the “other” but man.. This time it just clicked. 

On the way home my companion and I had a good deep, personal conversation about our fears and how we can become better. I had thoughts come to mind of other people I  talked to who expressed something  of a  concern that I didn’t catch onto. A lot of people that I then realized needed to talk and express things to me. I overlooked those opportunities. I feel like my mind has become a lot more open to it now, just a change of the lenses. There are so many people that need to feel understand. People who are hurting that I brush by or judge and just don’t take the time to ask them anything meaningful. I feel like I’ve missed out on so many opportunities to help people  because of my selfishness and preoccupation  with “good” things. I am never happy when I seek to uplift myself or try making myself look good. I’ve tried, unfortunately. I think that’s human nature. I think I fall victim to human nature a little too often. I truly have a desire to “put off the natural man and become a saint through the atonement.” Sounds familiar I’m sure. Kind Benjamin knew what he was talking about. I don’t have much to offer but I’m willing to give what I have. I want to stop being “me” and become who He wants me to be through him. That’s where power comes. That’s where change comes. That’s where happiness comes. I know that because I’ve felt it, and seen it. I’m grateful for the good feelings I feel as I am obedient and serve selflessly. I hope I always keep these treasures of truth throughout my life. Or I can just have my mission last throughout my life. Either one is fine with me. I love this gospel that gives me the ability to change. I love the blessings of repentance and forgiveness that I’ve seen in my investigators lives and my own. I know that power is real. I know that the scriptures give us power and guidance. I know that humility is power.

I may or may not have, but definitely did, experience the best day of my mission on Saturday. I witnessed Susana getting baptized. One of the best parts is that James Dixon (one of our recent converts…. If you don’t remember) was the one who baptized her.  It was the most amazing experience to see. Wow. I have never been to a more spiritual baptism. I mean, all of them are amazing, but this was so strong. I think it’s because Katy, Susana, and James were all there and are all best friends. Those last couple people who I have somewhat helped come into the gospel are all so strong in the church and are amazing support to each other. It just made everything on my mission worth it. That, alone, could have made my mission. I would give two more years to see something as short and beautiful as that again. But then I get to look at all the other beautiful things I've come to learn, see and experience because of my mission. The list is endless. I don’t know how my life would be right now if I would not have come out here. That’s the cliché of all missionaries. I didn't like hearing that before. I still often wonder it though. I don’t know if I would have totally gone off the deep end or something… maybe ha.

I know that I would not have known what I know now. I would not have known that God keeps his promises to us that we find in the scriptures or from His prophets and servants. I wouldn’t have come to know how important the priesthood is and what role it plays in my life and in the church. I wouldn’t have known how beautiful the book of Mormon is and the power that it has. I wouldn’t have known how to fail and how to learn from it. I wouldn’t have known how to miss my loved ones so badly that I can’t think straight. I wouldn’t have known that I could love this much. I wouldn’t have known how to change through Christ. I wouldn’t have known how to rely on my Savior. I wouldn’t have known why obedience and hard work are so important. I wouldn’t have known about other faiths and perspectives. I wouldn’t have known how to get outside of my comfort zone consistently and gratefully. I wouldn’t have known how to wake up at 6am for two years straight. I wouldn’t have known how to be a leader and I wouldn’t have known how to be a true follower. I love my mission with all of my heart. Now that the ticking clock is slowly coming to an end I’m appreciating and loving it more and more. I feel the need to pack in “Every good thing” that I can into this “mission experience” before I go home. I’m sure most RM’s have had this kind of mindset. I want to be perfect. I want to go home perfect. I want to go home being a man. I want to go home being a man of God. I want to look different. I want to act different. I want to be different. I know these goals and lofty and unrealistic hope some of the change will actually last. I’m not here for some temporary lessons and skills that I can use for a little while after this thing is over. I’m learning for the rest of my life. This is a big deal, guys. And I’m ranting on it for way too long. And I don’t care. It’s one of those days. I just want to say everything even if it means nothing.

When James was in the font with Susana they just looked so happy. I was so happy. I had the chills and couldn't stop smiling. I was just filled with love and joy. I can’t wait for my friends here in Granite to get baptized in the next couple of weeks, there’s an amazing spirit that comes and testifies to the heart as a priesthood ordinance is being performed and as a covenant with God is being made. I know that that is “the way:” baptism. I know that God wants us to baptize. I know that He wants us to find and reach out to those who we know and to offer them this gate that allows the atonement into their lives.

Doctrine and Covenants 84:19–21:

19 And this greater priesthood administereth the gospel and holdeth the key of the mysteries of the kingdom, even the key of the knowledge of God.

20 Therefore, in the ordinances thereof, the power of godliness (the atonement) is manifest.

21 And without the ordinances thereof, and the authority of the priesthood, the power of godliness (the atonement) is not manifest unto men in the flesh;

I know that is true. I’ve seen the atonement change lives and the ordinances of the gospel is the only way to fully access it. I think back on some of the people I have taught towards the beginning of my mission and didn’t boldly or quickly invite them to enter into this gate. Maybe I was too scared, or didn’t know what to say, or didn’t know what they would say. I know that all I was really doing was damning them. I was prohibiting their progression and the only way they can have the atonement in their lives fully. I stopped them because I got in the way of the spirit. My role as a missionary is to merely get out of the way of the spirit. He is the teacher, I am the tool that delivers the message that the true teacher can testify of. I have gotten in the way far too often. The spirit will always invite people to Christ. He will always invite them to be baptized.  I am just on one today. I hope you enjoy the little things this week, my dear friends.

Pictures:

My last picture with my angel, Sister P.

Susana and James in white. Beautiful.

Susana, James and Katy. Best trio you could have.

What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life...

       

Elder Trent Jay Merrill 

Tracting Stories and Joseph Smith: March 3, 2014

Tracting stories. Well, one of the tracting stories is about a great man.  I can't even tell you how much I love this guy. We've been meeting with him about three to four times a week since we tracted into him a couple weeks ago. He's so sincere and hilarious. We hug after every lesson and he cries and says how much he loves us. He is so humble. We also started teaching his daughter who is very sincere. They are both on date for baptism on April 12th. Another story is about a very prepared investigator. We tracted into him a while ago and he has come to church and has committed to be baptized as well. I love him.  His fourteen year old son started sitting in on lessons last week and came to church too. He also said he'd be baptized. When I first got here there was only one investigator. Well one day her daughter was there and she sat in and we started talking to her. We've met with her twice now and she's accepted the baptismal date for the 29th of this month. 

There is another girl we tracted into.  When we first knocked on the door another woman answered and said, "Oh, we're not interested." I could tell she was kind of nice though so I just made a joke to lighten the mood and tried to keep her attention there till she would talk more about the gospel. Then someone came around and started talking to the woman at the door and we talked with her and the mood was lightened. Then like five people came out of the house and we all started talking and they asked questions. We shared a scripture about how we can be happy as we are obedient to the commandments (Mosiah 2). We talked about baptism and how that is the ultimate cleansing and power of being free from sin and becoming a true follower of Christ. The spirit was really strong. So one of the girls said, "I want to be baptized." And it was the first investigator's daughter! So we've been stopping by there and she has said she'd be baptized too and hopefully we'll start meeting with her friends in there soon too. So... in short, miracles are happening. It's a wonderful world we're living in. Hope has never been so close to the people here in Granite Falls. We're going to find them all. 

Well, for some reason I've had this "spirit of urgency" if you want to call it that. I am fascinated with every gospel principle and resource. So, during lunch, I'm listening to talks. As I fall asleep I'm listening Lectures on the Prophet Joseph Smith by Truman G. Madsen. While we're driving in the car, we're listening to talks or doctrinal speeches by church scholars. My studies have been so intriguing and enlightening. So as I've been studying particularly the life of Joseph Smith I've felt an overwhelming appreciation and love for him. I am learning more about him as man. He wasn't perfect. He made mistakes all the time. That's ok. So many people are against him here. So I've been making it a point to know everything so I can bear a stronger testimony and have more background. There's a talk by Tad R. Callister that starts off by saying something like, "There's a man in the new testament that has these characteristics, let's see what you would think about him: He cut off the ear of someone in rage. He denied Christ three times. He was told by Christ that he had little faith. If we only saw these aspects of the life of the Apostle Peter, we would have missed out on learning from the greatest people who ever walked the earth. Likewise, people focus on the seeming bad of Joseph Smith and miss all the good and monumental works and mission that he lives." (D&C 135:3) that's one of the scriptures I memorized and it is one of my favorites. So... yep. I don't know. hope that somewhat answers your question. 

A Rain Stain: February 24, 2014

Today is going to be one of those days where I don't say much but I mean everything that I say. Here are my seven observations and experiences for the week.

1. I have come to love umbrellas despite the criticism it often brings from "Washingtonians."

 

2. Diligence often comes with miracles. We found a new miracle this week and he loved church and the spirit.

 

3. Tracting is not as ineffective as some people think. Love is the key. Charm doesn't hurt.

 

4. I continue to fall short of perfection. It sometimes let it get to me. I have never felt more motivation to keep going strong. I can only thank Heavenly Father for that.

 

5. I love my mission and the dreams of home are becoming a little too vivid.

 

6. I miss everything: My friends in Bellingham, the friends I will leave here someday soon. Nostalgia is everywhere.

 

7. I know, now more than ever, that Joseph Smith was and is a Prophet of God. I've been studying him extensively and love him dearly.

 

I often want to know everything.

 

 

Elder Trent Jay Merrill

The Winds of Chance and Change: February 17, 2014

Greetings from the unknown world to most of civilized humanity. I only slightly exaggerate the new area in which I serve. It's actually quite wonderful here.  I have learned much about humility, diligence, and keeping the wallet in my front pocket. Life lessons learned.

 

It's been quite a  bit different to be in a family ward again. I don't exactly know how I feel about it. My teaching style and finding "kills" have revolved around people my own age. Now I'm back with the adults. I need to adapt and figure out how to be effective with this new demographic. Tips?

 

After a somewhat long day of knocking around  the neighborhoods we came across a wonderful miracle. A guy came to the door after we knocked with not too much faith. He said, "stay right there, hold on." So we did. He came back and invited us in while he was still talking on the phone. He hung up the phone and smiled. We started talking with him and learned that he has one of the most beautiful  hearts and desires I've ever felt and seen. Since that day we've met two more times and gave him a tour of the church. He said to us the other day that, as he prayed, he heard Heavenly Father tell him this was the right path for him. His  heart is pure. His mind is a little imperfect and has a lot of anxiety. We are praying to know what we can do to help him follow the promptings he's received. It might take a while. I love that man.

 

I don't know what else to say. I'm quite sick these days. I should be getting over it soon... says the hope inside of me. So I'm having a hard time remembering what happened. All in all... I'm glad to be here in Granite Falls. I'm going to learn, fail, and grow. Manhood here I come.

 

When all is said and done... there's just not much more to say.

 

 

Elder Trent  Jay Merrill

Gone With the Wind: February 10, 2014

My missionary adventure is taking another stop in another part of the world (mission). Where am I going? Good question... some call it paradise. I call it Granite Falls. The land of milk and honey.  I look forward to the many stories and experiences that will surely shape my perspective and insight of human nature. Today is one of those bitter sweet days that I sometimes have. I think it is sweet because life is good. I love my friends. I love my investigators and recent converts. I love the ward. I love the Lord. It's bitter because of two men named Elder Draper and Elder Pectol. They're leaving this "missionary mortality" as I have now titled it. They're moving on to the unknown of civility and the illusion of freedom. Perhaps it's more than an illusion, but to me... there is no after life of the mission. It's temporal and spiritual death.  It's over. I will never see them or anyone after the mission. That's what it feels like some time. Not really... it definitely did feel like that at the beginning of my mission though. I can't stop biting my nails.

There are many things that have been floating around this head of mine. For one: Remember that vague description of my confusion and unanswered questions the other week? Well... all my questions have been satisfied thus far. Thank you, Holy Spirit. Always coming through with his end of the deal. I wish I was a little more reliable.

Well this week was full of lessons, information and little bit of snow. I couldn't ask for more. I am trying to remember all the little things that make me happy here. Sister P's wonderful face in the morning. Elder Pymm's jokes and insights. James's sweet heart and humor. Katy's unfathomable observational abilities. Susana's sincerity and receptiveness. Maria and Kaitlyn's friendship and support. Bryce's stature and status to measure up to. Bishop's willingness to help any and everyone. Bellingham. Hippies. College kids. Western Washington University. Elder Draper. Catholic mass. Christian churches. and all things Sister P. I had to throw her in the list twice. The beginning and the end. Alpha and... ok that's too far. It's the only material I have to work with. What else can I be clever with if not the words in my head. All in all, I will miss this place dearly. I do not dread the future. I embrace and look forward to it. God is with me till the end. 

We had Mission Leader Council this week. It was a good one. President said something like, "Next time we have this meeting, most of you won't be here." He then shared the story of J. Ruben Clark. How he went from 1st counselor in the First Presidency to 2nd Counselor and when people asked how he felt about it he said, "In this church, it doesn't matter WHERE you serve, but HOW you serve." President said a lot of the zone leaders will actually be going to be junior companions to help out some individual missionaries. Shake the dust. President described how we're also going after the one. Shake the dust.  Unfortunately, some would say, I'll still be a zone leader. Shake the dust. But hey.. that's not the end of the world. I just thought I'd get a little break for a minute. That's probably why I'm not getting one. Smack to the face! I need it. 

The Atonement is without end

and so

are you,

Elder Trent Jay Merrill 

While My Dreams Gently Weep: February 3, 2014

I had a dream last night where I was watching a movie at home. I remember thinking, "This isn't what I want. I don't know what I want. I feel empty and unfulfilled." The dream went on to have car crashes and friends that were wounded while I remained untouched... out of the picture almost. I tried to help them but I was too busy asking myself, "Why am I not hurt? Am I sure that I'm not hurt? Why would everyone else be in so much pain and I'm standing here without a scratch?" I thought about it a little bit today and came to a couple of conclusions. 

1: My needs are unfulfilled as I seek to perfect myself through myself. 

2: Too much time checking on myself, and worrying about myself, limits any chance to help people who are within my reach. My friends were right there in my dream... I couldn't reach past myself.

3: Entertainment and casualty are empty illusions. A fool's chase in the long run. 

It's hard to shake thoughts like that when they're not leaving my mind. It is quite odd that I shared my dream with you... perhaps I'm looking for some catharsis. 

They Who Call Me Elder: January 27, 2014

Hi, I am a missionary from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Some call me Merrill... the ones who understand call me Elder. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. I have been called of Him to declare His word among His people, that they might have everlasting life. My call is greater than myself. I am a weak mortal man with a Prophetic and Divine commission. Some days I understand those things. Some days I wish I did.

I believe in a lot of things... Miracles, love, change, progression. I believe that, "Man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." I've certainly come to understand this perspective even more this week. I'm up against the wall of faith again. I don't feel uncomfortable here... this is where I learn, think and feel the most. I've been challenged. I have doubts. I have answers. I have questions. It seems that every time that I'm in this sort of a soul searching predicament, I find the answer that satisfies the seeming doubts. Usually when I talk about these kinds of experiences with you I've waited until I've found an answer. Now, I haven't found what I'm looking for. I'm still looking and searching. I realize the vagueness of this description but I can't explain the specifics very well on paper as of yet. The purpose of saying this is for everyone to know that there are answers to the doubts. There is clarity that comes after the trail of fog. It's this refining process that helps us experience the wonderful things that I believe: Miracles, love, change, progression. I love this.

I had a day that seemed like one big evidence of God's hand in my life. I was on a split with the WML and had a lesson with our investigator.  She's on date to be baptized for February 22nd and also lives with her boy friend right now. I've been so worried about what might happen when we bring up the law of chastity with her. The moment came that my anxiety was anticipating. We had the lesson and I tried to secretly sneak in this concern. As I held my breath to wait for her response she melted away all my worries with a faithful and humble answer. She had already been thinking she should move out. She is wonderful.

At the same time as that lesson Elder Pymm was on a split with President Nelson (Institute teacher) with another investigator, our hilariously sarcastic Catholic friend. I'm not too sure what went on in there but he's on date for the 21st of March now. They were both at church along with a new investigator.

An hour before both of those lessons James brought two friends for us to teach to institute. An hour before that we were with our investigator, that we met at her fire escape door, talking to her about some of those gospel truths we all tend to love. An hour before that  I taught district meeting because one of our district leaders was at the doctors. It was one of "those days"... in a beautiful way. I don't know why I'm going so out of chronological order here but I'll go ahead and jump to after all those many lessons and miracles and show you what the evening looked like that same day.

A couple months ago Elder Pectol and I contacted a girl. She was a good contact but she wasn't too interested. Well just this week we got a call from her asking if we could teach her church about what Mormons believed. "Why, yes! That would be a dream for us..." So we did. Six o'clock rolled around on this busy day. I was poorly portraying in the previous paragraphs. We arrived at the 100+ year old Methodist building. We tried about four different doors before we found the one that was accessible. With sweat of anticipation and exertion dampening our forehead, we finally made it to the body of Methodists. It was a room full of college girls ha. Luckily there was an old man there who we hung with most of the time named Dick. Dick's the man. Anyways, it was a night full of Q's & A's, pizza and ice cream. I don't know how well it touched their hearts but we both felt confident in our responses and instruction. We were invited to inform, not to convert....though, I prefer the latter. It was a learning and interesting experience. I liked it.

I think the description of that day is good for now. Oh, and I was able to confirm James yesterday. It was wonderful. I love him.

Standing next to an angel

 Gotta have that baptismal font pic

James/Elder Pymm in white and me and my puffy sweater 

All the little things,

Elder Trent Jay Merrill